You've got it all figured out, until you find out you've got it all wrong.

Fill in the blank: ___________ is the thing that makes me happy.

Right now, you are sitting there, over-thinking that little riddle. You are searching for big words in that mental thesaurus of yours, trying to be the one to leave the answer with the deepest meaning, the most thought, the most creativity. Before your head explodes, I'll give you the answer that I came up with: BEING HAPPY is the thing that makes me happy.

Being in the health and fitness industry, and being a former fat kid, I used to believe that skinny would make me happy. Don't tell me that sounds vain! I bet you have seen plenty of folks posting their 'rah rah' weight loss quotes on FaceBook, like 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels' or 'A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips'. Maybe, like me, you have a lot of physique competitor friends who write their whole food diary online in hopes that they'll get some 'likes' and their crew of online homies will keep them on track during the holidays. How does eating bland grilled chicken and skipping out on your favorite once-a-year indulgences make you happy? Again, stop searching for the deep, creative answer. The answer is IT DOESN'T. It makes you feel like you're in control, but it doesn't make you happy.

Being a part of the 'vanity' industry (let's be honest!), I was a little worried about how the pregnancy weight gain would affect me emotionally. We all know from previous blog posts that I was at my former high school 'fat weight' before I could even GET pregnant, and now the scale will continue upward until the baby is here. I used to put so much emphasis on my physique that gaining a couple of pounds would send me into a tailspin when I was competing. How would I react to the inevitable weight gain that comes along with pregnancy? Surprisingly, to this point, I've handled it very well! It's as if it doesn't even phase me, really. As the scale went up, a light bulb went off in my head: Hey smart girl! If being skinny is the key to being happy, then why are you so amped to be wearing those awesome preggy stretchy jeans?

Is it just the hormones? No. It's because I can focus on being healthy without worrying about being skinny. It's because I can miss a workout to spend time with my husband without freaking out about it. It's because I do my workouts to do something FOR my body instead of doing something TO my body. Simply, it's because being happy is the thing that makes me happy.

"I didn't know I was pregnant"? Seriously?

It's pretty freaking obvious that the people on the TV show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" rank right up there IQ-wise with the guests on "Maury". Have you ever sat thru an episode? Me neither - I'm afraid it'll make me dumber - but I've seen enough highlights on "The Soup" to get the idea. "I thought I had to go to the bathroom really bad, when PLOP!, I pooped out a baby." Beyond the mistaken poop-cramp, did you not have any other signs that you might be, I don't know, growing a human? Just in case a potential TV starlet is reading this, I've made a list of 'pregnancy symptoms' so you can save yourself the embarrassment of reenacting your baby's toilet-birth.

#1: I suddenly hate foods I used to love
Gee whiz, I used to love lasagna, but ever since I stopped having my period I can't seem to stand the smell of it. All I want are crackers and ginger ale, yet I seem to be getting fatter. Maybe I have figured out how to create mass out of nothing! Anyone have the phone number for NASA? They'll TOTALLY want to know about this.

#2: Such weird indigestion!
I seem to have indigestion ALL THE TIME, whether I've eaten anything or not. All these gas bubbles keep churning, even though I'm not really passing gas. Strangely, some of them look like elbows, and it feels like something is kicking me, but from the INSIDE! My stars, I wonder what that could be?

#3: This is not what Sir Mix A Lot liked, and I cannot lie.
I used to be the 'little in the middle but she got much back' kind of girl, but MAN! my waist looks bloated and swollen! Maybe it's the indigestion, but I can't believe how much weight I've gained in my belly. It's so weird, because I used to gain all my weight in my butt. I can't wear any of my pants any more and all my shirts are too short. Maybe I should get some of those maternity tops and not tell anyone, just until this bloat goes away.

#4: The accumulation of pillows
I've always been such a hard sleeper, but suddenly I developed this awful acid reflux (maybe back to the swollen-belly elbow-indigestion?) so I have to have two pillows under me to sleep at an incline. Then, out of nowhere, my hips started to ache in the middle of the night so I had to have a pillow between my knees. Then, for whatever reason, lying on my back became uncomfortable, almost like there is some heavy object in my abdomen (weird, I know!) so I had to get a body pillow to help me sleep on my side. Maybe I should do a sleep study or something - there is just no good reason I should go thru this much trouble to sleep!

#5: Velcro shoes
I seriously need to lose some weight! My belly is so darned big that I can't tie my shoes anymore. It's like there is this big thing in my belly preventing me from reaching (or seeing) my feet. Maybe it's a bowel obstruction. Yep, that's totally it. I almost miss all that unexplained vomiting a few months ago!

And last but not least...

#6: Expired tampons
Hmm. That's curious. I have all these new boxes of tampons that are past their expiration date. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I had my period. SCORE! Who wouldn't be jealous of that?

Guess what, dumbass? You're pregnant.

I have a problem with mediocre. When I send Christmas cards, I make my own and I throw away the ones with mistakes. My decorated cookies need to look professional. When I clean the house, I wash the baseboards. Same happens in the gym. I spent so long making fun of the cardio addicts and half-assers at the gym when I was competing that it is hard for me to find an 'off switch'. Recently, I participated in a workout with my sister in law, my husband, and a few other folks. Once Jesse committed to the workout, I was committed to beating him at it. I lunged faster, ran harder, did much better deadlifts, and managed to come in on his heels. For the next 4 days, I could hardly walk. That was the first time that I said to myself 'Guess what, dumbass? You're pregnant.'
I also have trouble asking for help (GASP!). I'm not the kind of girl who gets valet parking or waits for some guy to move my luggage for me. I guess it's the youngest child syndrome, and I still have a major case of the 'I can do it myself-itis'. I was at the vet the other day to pick up Webb's $4000 per serving hypoallergenic yuppy puppy dog food, chatting up the lady behind the counter. After the (large, strapping, handsome) vet tech brought the bag out, and I paid, I picked up the 36lb bag and threw it over my shoulder like I always do. It didn't occur to me until mid-toss that, 1) that didn't feel so good and 2)oh yeah, I'm still pregnant. Dumbass.
Everyone gets into a rhythm at work where certain tasks become routine. Same with personal training. I have certain ways I breakdown and demonstrate exercises, and with group fitness, it's almost like a script. I have to speak efficiently and quickly, and I rely on physical demonstrations to make sure that everyone understands the exercises. About a week ago, I was preparing to demonstrate a suspended plank on the TRX. After I got my feet into the TRX, I realized that I normally roll onto my stomach before going into plank. Uh oh. Literally, I was in front of 20 people with my feet dangling, thinking... OH SHIT! What do I do? I was somehow able to whip myself around from seated to plank without lying on the floor (whew!) but I still felt like a dumbass.

It seems like with all the baby stuff in the house and the physical changes, the fact that I'm pregnant would be ingrained by now. Feeling the baby move should make it all real, right? I think I'm still in complete disbelief! By the time I get used to this idea, Tyson will probably be in Kindergarten.

SO much to be THANKFUL for

Not only am I married to an amazing man, we are having a baby. AND the baby is healthy. AND it's a boy. Every day, I feel like the luckiest person on the planet, considering last year this time, we had no hope of having a baby - ever.

Being 'thankful' for our healthy baby boy (to be called Tyson, by the way) is a big understatement. Seeing the detailed ultrasound makes you realize what a MIRACLE it is to have a healthy baby. I laid there, looking at the screen in awe -- had all of these things developed in 18 short weeks? How is that possible? Two perfect kidneys, two perfect feet... (that look like Jesse's, by the way)... Simply amazing.

I'm also thankful for my mom and sister who helped me register for baby gear at Babies R' Us... for four hours. I didn't know anything about baby stuff. What's a 'layette'? The mattress doesn't come with the crib? RIP OFF! Why would anyone buy a bumper pad? What exactly am I to 'receive' in this blanket, and why do I need so many of them? Who thought of 156 different types of bottles and 87 different types of pacifiers? Is there really a whole section for boob accessories? Taking a bath seems pretty straight forward, so why are there 43 different types of tubs? That velcro swaddler thingy has DSS written ALL over it. Crack cream probably doesn't do what I think it does. Clearly, I needed some assistance. I am forever in their debt for patiently explaining everything to me, telling me the pros/cons of one brand versus another, and pushing onward thru the whole store when I had become BEYOND saturated with all things decor, toy, and dirty butt clean-up. My mother in law also bought us some baby swag at IKEA... a place where I wasn't SUPPOSED to understand the words on the products. Whew.

Seems like when baby number one cometh, so does the generosity of friends. One friend (or pair of friends, really) said she had 'some baby stuff' we could look thru. She (they) proceeded to provide Tyson's wardrobe for the first 6 months of his life, diapers, and lots of baby accessories and would not take a DIME from me. There was so much there that I got home and started to cry when I sorted it out (yes, I'm preggy and cry sometimes now, but seriously - I was humbled by the donation). I will find a way to pay them back... I'm thinking baked goods or free personal training... or both.

If Jesse and I list everything we are thankful for this year at dinner tomorrow, it may prove to be the longest meal ever... well, second longest ever, next to the Thanksgiving dinner that began with my cousin James' 10-verse solo of 'We Give Thanks' years ago...

Revelations of the First Trimonster... er Trimester

I like being in control, but I no longer know what that feels like. A few times in my life, I've wished I could be more carefree - less of a planner. Well, looks like all I really wanted was to be pregnant.

A week by week of my internal pregnancy dialog:
Week 4 - Week 5.5: I don't get what all the craving/nausea/food aversion crap is about. Clearly that's an excuse for people to be lazy and eat pizza whenever they want to. I'm going to eat a little red meat and a whole egg every day for choline, 3 cups of baby spinach for folate, iron, and calcium, 32 oz of almond milk for more calcium, and plenty of colorful veggies to make sure I get a variety of antioxidants and other nutrients. I don't think I want to eat bread or crappy carbs, either. Surely I can get by with fruit, oatmeal, and potatoes! I'm going to go to the grocery store and stock up on chicken, veggies, and a few other staples.

Week 5.5-Week 6: Why does that chicken taste funny? And why don't I want to eat my sweet potatoes? Why does the gym smell so freaking bad? Do these people not shower?

Week 6 - Week 9: GET THE CHICKEN OUT OF MY FACE!!! I don't even what to talk about chicken, or beef for that matter. Don't even get me started on those nasty ass sweet potatoes (that I loved a week ago). Why does the ice in my water smell gross? All I want to eat is saltines. And pizza. And hot ham and cheese. Thank God for prenatal vitamins because unless flour and cheese comprise whole food groups, this is not going well for the baby. I definitely don't miss drinking because this whole experience so far is like a hangover that will. not. stop. I'm dizzy, craving greasy food, not thinking clearly, I have a headache and I need quite a bit of sleep. And I'm probably dehydrated.

Week 9 - 12: Thank goodness I have to pee a lot or else I wouldn't wake up to eat. Or work. Or take my dogs out. I've got the eating thing under control a little better (if 'eating chicken' is better...even if it MIGHT come from Chik-Fil-A) but my naps last for 3-4 hours. Placenta building is a JOB. Thankfully, it's a job I can do while I'm sleeping.

The Low Cost Fertility Solution...

It's funny how something that ALMOST makes you lose your mind can eventually help you get your head on straight.

Growing up, as most of you know, I was never the skinny friend. Even when I got to my smallest, there were friends around me who were thinner, almost effortlessly. Maybe I didn't show it at 15 years old, but I was FIGHTING everyday to stay in my size 3 Levi Jeans. Every meal was a calculated decision, turning each day into a math problem, never allowing my brain to shut down from diet mode. What I didn't know was that this MENTAL hang-up would materialize as a physiological problem in my late 20's: no period, no ovulation, no chance for a baby without the help of IVF.

The cumulative effect resulted in Hypothalamic Ammenorhea (HA). Those words carry a heavy meaning for me because this condition is brought about by ME... not genes or chance or plain bad luck. Prior to the diagnosis, I thought I had PCOS, which is an easy diagnosis to accept for a gal in my position. The condition happens at random, causes you to be especially prone to weight gain, and most importantly... isn't your fault. That means I could (without guilt or responsibility) continue to train as hard as possible without consequence... right? When I realized (in part, thanks to Scott Abel) that I don't have PCOS and that the HA had been brewing since my teens, I knew I had work to do.

My concerns about my physique ALMOST cost Jesse and I a lot of money, time, and left us with no real guarantee of having a baby. I knew I needed to lay off the workouts a bit and relax my regimented dieting, but a big part of me was still caught up in the jealousy I had of my friends who were lean, active, and still had their periods regularly. When I thought about that, it took me to a very dark, ugly place where I asked "why me?" instead of taking action. Looking back, it's hard for me to believe that I thought people (like my friends, clients, co-workers, etc) would judge me for gaining weight and working out less (since I'm a trainer), but that was a HUGE fear for me. From August to January, I muscled through the fear and did what I needed to do.

None of my clothes fit. Shopping was no longer fun for me. I distanced myself from my friends and weaseled my way out of social situations. I wondered if Jesse would still feel the same way about me as my weight climbed. I began the journey in August at 128 lbs.
I finally accepted myself at 145lbs in January when, miraculously, my period came back. I was in AWE. After not ovulating for 12 years, my body just picked up where it left off. Amazing.

That moment made me do a lot of thinking about my fears. Had I lost clients? No. In fact, I had more than ever. Had I lost friends? Nope. Was Jesse disgusted by my new, fuller figure? Not at all. In fact, our relationship was better than ever. The best part was that gaining weight, i.e. "The Low Cost Fertility Solution" was working.

I learned that taking care of my physique and taking care of my body, at least for me, were separate endeavors. Before you give me your 'I didn't have to do anything special to get preggy' story, shut it. Everyone is different.

I know some of the fitness fanatics out there want to know the mechanics of what I did, i.e. 'what did you eat' and 'what were your workouts like'?
I had backed off to doing 3 cardio sessions (my cycle classes) and a few haphazard weight training sessions here and there. I ate healthy foods but didn't obsess (as much) about the portions or about having a slice of pizza here and there. Learning to keep everything moderate was VERY VERY HARD FOR ME! In the gym, I am normally a 'go hard or go home' kinda gal, but I knew I had a bigger plan for my body than just growing my biceps and shrinking my ass. I was ready to have a baby and I wanted to be able to give that gift to myself and Jesse the old-fashioned way (because, hey, we CANNOT afford anything else!). That goal had to be at the forefront of everything I did, nutrition and workout-wise, to keep my focus away from my thighs.

My period was gone in February, back in March and April, gone in May and back in June. I refused to live and die by ovulation kits and calendars and cycle length.. ugh. Talk about taking all the fun out of this. Besides, my busy mind was the problem in the first place, so why would I fill it up with more math? As luck would have it, I must have ovulated in July because on the 28th, I found out that I am pregnant.

If I was blown away in January by getting my period back, imagine my COMPLETE SHOCK in July when I found out the big news. Every pound, every missed workout, every extra carb, every pair of jeans I took to Plato's closet was suddenly worth it.

-------------To Be Continued---------------