"I didn't know I was pregnant"? Seriously?

It's pretty freaking obvious that the people on the TV show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" rank right up there IQ-wise with the guests on "Maury". Have you ever sat thru an episode? Me neither - I'm afraid it'll make me dumber - but I've seen enough highlights on "The Soup" to get the idea. "I thought I had to go to the bathroom really bad, when PLOP!, I pooped out a baby." Beyond the mistaken poop-cramp, did you not have any other signs that you might be, I don't know, growing a human? Just in case a potential TV starlet is reading this, I've made a list of 'pregnancy symptoms' so you can save yourself the embarrassment of reenacting your baby's toilet-birth.

#1: I suddenly hate foods I used to love
Gee whiz, I used to love lasagna, but ever since I stopped having my period I can't seem to stand the smell of it. All I want are crackers and ginger ale, yet I seem to be getting fatter. Maybe I have figured out how to create mass out of nothing! Anyone have the phone number for NASA? They'll TOTALLY want to know about this.

#2: Such weird indigestion!
I seem to have indigestion ALL THE TIME, whether I've eaten anything or not. All these gas bubbles keep churning, even though I'm not really passing gas. Strangely, some of them look like elbows, and it feels like something is kicking me, but from the INSIDE! My stars, I wonder what that could be?

#3: This is not what Sir Mix A Lot liked, and I cannot lie.
I used to be the 'little in the middle but she got much back' kind of girl, but MAN! my waist looks bloated and swollen! Maybe it's the indigestion, but I can't believe how much weight I've gained in my belly. It's so weird, because I used to gain all my weight in my butt. I can't wear any of my pants any more and all my shirts are too short. Maybe I should get some of those maternity tops and not tell anyone, just until this bloat goes away.

#4: The accumulation of pillows
I've always been such a hard sleeper, but suddenly I developed this awful acid reflux (maybe back to the swollen-belly elbow-indigestion?) so I have to have two pillows under me to sleep at an incline. Then, out of nowhere, my hips started to ache in the middle of the night so I had to have a pillow between my knees. Then, for whatever reason, lying on my back became uncomfortable, almost like there is some heavy object in my abdomen (weird, I know!) so I had to get a body pillow to help me sleep on my side. Maybe I should do a sleep study or something - there is just no good reason I should go thru this much trouble to sleep!

#5: Velcro shoes
I seriously need to lose some weight! My belly is so darned big that I can't tie my shoes anymore. It's like there is this big thing in my belly preventing me from reaching (or seeing) my feet. Maybe it's a bowel obstruction. Yep, that's totally it. I almost miss all that unexplained vomiting a few months ago!

And last but not least...

#6: Expired tampons
Hmm. That's curious. I have all these new boxes of tampons that are past their expiration date. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I had my period. SCORE! Who wouldn't be jealous of that?