So THAT'S what I've been missing

Being a parent has taught me a lot in a few short months. Parenthood has given me a new role to play, new responsibilities, and a lot more happiness. Being happy makes you feel good, confident, worthy, and fulfilled. Skinny doesn't. I always thought that being thin would make me happier and more confident. It's just the opposite... finding happiness made me feel more confident in my own skin than ever before. I'm not saying you have to have a baby, but you should really look into the whole 'happy' thing. I highly recommend it. When I thought skinny would make me happy, I used to obsess about what I ate and how much I worked out. Everything was meticulously planned out, each gram of protein accounted for, each body part worked at least once a week, mile times recorded, i's dotted, t's crossed. Back then, I thought deviating from the plan was just me being weak. Try harder, Leigh Ann. How badly do you want it? When I found out that the overexercising, over-planning and regimented diet were the reasons that I couldn't get prego, I gave in and let go... for the most part. My weight was climbing, and while I knew that was a 'good' thing fertility-wise, I had BIG TIME trouble letting go of my physique ideals. I thought I'd lose clients. I thought I'd lose credibility. I thought wrong. No, literally... my thinking WAS wrong. Fear was freaking me out, and there was no evidence to support any of the things that worried me. My thinking wasn't just wrong... it was vain and immature. Beyond that, it was unhealthy. That is why my body was screaming at me to deviate from the plan, eat more, and exercise less. Finding out that I was pregnant changed my attitude towards food completely. When I became responsible for that little baby, I started thinking about the quality of the things that I was eating, not just the grams of protein or the calories. Also, portion control came more easily since I wasn't constantly starving. I could eat 1 slice of pizza instead of 5 or 6, which would happen a lot if I went 'off plan' when I was competing. Fortunately, these abilities have stayed with me. Although I'm still not, and will never be, a size 4 again, none of my fears have come true. I'm still a trainer, I still work with all my clients, and I'm still credible. I weigh 144 lbs. I like who I am. I like the way I look. I like that I don't have to think so much about my food and my workouts as I used to. I like exercising for FUN! I like my new confidence. I like that I'm a mom. I like the new CALM. I have now lost 40 lbs twice in my life (granted, this one involved a baby!). I'm still 30 lbs higher than my competition weight. And I will be. Forever. For me, being that small is not healthy - and being healthy is something that I want to model for my clients and my kiddo.